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After her husband died, my mother-in-law was determined to keep her children (my husband and his siblings) from footing the bill for her viewing and cremation, so she paid in advance and stopped by the funeral parlor often to make sure everything was taken care of. Each time they assured her it was.
But when she passed away, we were told the casket she chose wasn’t available. Instead, we were shown several pricey alternatives, and decided to rent the most affordable one they did have in stock. For this and other expenses not covered under her contract, we had to fork over $1,690 — on top of the thousands she had already paid.
As my husband noted, this was the same funeral provider used by a lot of people in the neighborhood and, more importantly to her, her church. Did his thrifty mother even think about checking out others in the area to compare prices? Nope. But that's not uncommon, says Josh Slocum, Executive Director of the Funeral Consumer Alliance (FCA), a nonprofit dedicated to protecting consumers’ rights in funeral planning. “Most funeral directors assume that [as soon as] they get a client, everybody else in that family, in every generation, is going to keep coming back to that funeral home instead of shopping around.”
The National Association of REALTORS® reports home buyers visit an average of 10 properties over 10 weeks before putting in an offer. Wedding planning often goes on for months, if not years. We research car makes and models, then take a test drive before making a purchase. So why do we neglect preparing for death — an occasion that, as Benjamin Franklin noted, we’re as certain to face as taxes?
Granted, funeral preparations aren’t a comfortable subject to discuss. In his 20 years with the FCA, Slocum has found that Americans are “terrified” to talk about the matter. Consider the different ways we dodge even speaking of death: We don’t die —we’ve “bought the farm,” “kicked the bucket” or “fallen asleep.” My mother went to a funeral where the woman was laid out in a bed, in her nightgown. Cemeteries are sometimes renamed “memorial parks” or referred to as “resting places.”
But it’s important to acknowledge that death is a part of life and think about preparations with a consumer mentality. “This is a business transaction,” says Slocum. Just like with other significant purchases, we have to educate ourselves before we buy.
In the same way weddings, homes and cars have a hefty price tag, so do funerals — and it's often an amount that may seem staggering to those of us who have no experience planning one. A 2021 National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA) study found that the median cost of an adult funeral with viewing and burial is more than $7,000; one with viewing and cremation averages slightly less. Tack on hundreds or thousands more dollars for expenses like a fancy burial container, flowers and a repast for the mourners.
And unlike those aforementioned happier occasions, death demands immediate monetary decisions. As a former funeral director puts it, “Funerals involve the same kind of planning [as a wedding], but you only have three or four days to do the same things.” That’s why it’s prudent to shop before you drop, so your survivors don’t have to make hasty decisions while in the throes of grief.
The good news is, there are consumer protections in the form of what’s called the Funeral Rule, established by the Federal Trade Commission in 1982. Before that, funeral providers often only presented customers with a package deal, take it or leave it, notes Melissa Dickey, an attorney with the FTC’s Bureau of Consumer Protection. Under the Rule, “Consumers are not required to purchase funeral goods and services they don’t want, and are not required by law to purchase.”
"By law, funeral providers must provide a general price list, itemizing every service they offer."
Funeral providers must provide a general price list, itemizing every service they offer, once they start talking to a potential buyer who visits their place of business, as well as answer questions about pricing over the phone.
The FTC currently is currently seeking comment on changes to the Rule to require that price list be made available via funeral homes’ website, text and email. This would enable those who can’t visit a funeral home in person, because they’re homebound or live out of state, for instance, to more easily obtain the information they need.
“All of the major purchases we make on a regular basis, the prices are always out there, everybody knows what they are, they’ve never been a secret and those retailers also know they’re competing for our dollars,” Slocum explains. “Funeral directors have been shielded from that.” That lack of easy access to pricing, he says, discourages consumers from comparison shopping. But that’s exactly what you should do, while you’re still healthy and not under a deadline.
To make sure your preferences for your funeral are taken into account, start a file on your computer or use a notebook to record your thoughts and decisions about your exit. Both the FTC and FCA include guidance on funeral planning on their websites; the latter offers a digital, editable planner, “Before I Go® You Should Know,” in English and Spanish. A slew of other end-of-life workbooks are available to guide you through the process, like the wittily titled “I’m Dead, Now What?”
A funeral provider can help you do the same thing, says NFDA member Alyssa Hixon, a funeral director at Bath-Naylor Funeral Home & Crematory in Kansas. “We always encourage people to come in and talk to us so they’re aware of the options available to them.” Here are the basic elements to consider.
All this information needs to be stored in a secure yet easily accessible place. Your best bet is scanning your paperwork and saving it to the cloud, as well as downloading it onto a thumb drive. Purchase a fireproof safe to physically store the drive, the originals and login information for the cloud account where the information lives digitally.
Finally, talk to your loved ones about your plans—and urge them to make their own. They’ll probably protest the morbid conversation or, at worst, become alarmed that you have a fatal illness and are about to expire any minute. Push ahead nevertheless. The Conversation Project, co-founded in 2010 by Pulitzer Prize-winning writer Ellen Goodman, offers a Starter Guide to get the ball rolling on a discussion of end-of-life affairs. Let them know where to find the information or better yet, email them your scanned documents or hand them their own loaded thumb drive to tuck away.
"Save your last wishes on a thumb drive and store it in a fireproof safe."
My husband and I started working on our funeral plans way before I wrote this article, mindful of what we went through with his mother. We had the chat with our daughter, who did indeed ask if we were sick or something. We also mentioned that, unlike her grandma, we aren’t prepaying, but have planned ahead so there will be enough in the bank to carry out our wishes.
After making these preparations, naturally we’re all hoping they won’t be put into action anytime soon. But when the time comes, you can be sure our nearest and dearest will be thankful.
Art Direction + Design by Betsy Farrell | Photography + Video by Mike Garten | Prop Styling by Alex Mata | All props courtesy of Sparrow, sparrowny.com
